The Nurse Diaries – Parts 44 & 45

Murfreesboro I hope you enjoy the latest chapters in my black comedy thriller, The Nurse Diaries – The Life and Times of a Brighton Serial Killer. Here they are. Click away if you’re not keen on swearing. It is a very sweary book.

Part 44 – Dentistry 

contentiously An absorbing new  career   

The Nurse’s killer instinct, passion for medical experimentation and keen scientific brain are completely satisfied by her new career as a dentist. She is particularly chuffed to learn that some unfortunate people do not respond to local anaesthetic. You can stuff them full of  it and they still feel every slice, every scrape, every aching judder of pain. How exciting. What potential for fun.

Time passes and ‘Elise’ quickly hones her craft, overtaking her fellow dental students. It soon becomes obvious she has the makings of an unusually talented dental surgeon. The Inspector finds himself falling more deeply in love with her every day. He is so proud of his amazing girlfriend. But the silent scream of utter horror he feels in her presence never really goes away. Eventually it fades back, becomes the new normal, and he doesn’t notice it quite so much. While he feels constantly bilious, he decides to put it down to being lovesick.  

Thanks to a fast-growing ambition to become a glittering star in the dentistry world, The Nurse completes her training course early with honours. Then she plans her speciality. Plenty of people can barely afford dental treatment on the NHS. She’ll be leaving those poor fuckers well alone. It’s the rich cunts she’s after. The growing trend for implants so white they can be seen from outer space has opened a huge, lucrative gap in the market – pun intended – which is ripe for exploitation.  

Eventually setting up shop on Tidy Street in the North Laine, a creative fire equal to Heston Blumenthal’s extraordinary talents consumes The Nurse. Adept use of social media plus a remarkable level of skill means she soon becomes a dental surgery phenomenon so popular she has celebrities lining up for treatment.

The money is quite something. She is fucking rolling in it. But at the same time there’s a limited amount of fun to be had separating rich cunts from their cash. Sadly, regular dentistry doesn’t fulfil her deep need to cause pain, suffering and fear. It merely hones it to a sharper point. Resistance proves futile. There’s something about being back in Brighton that brings back the old feelings and desires, and she is seething with them. The Nurse desires agony and terror in a soul-deep way that few ordinary mortals can appreciate. She needs blood and horror. Eventually she decides to divert some of her dental skills to focus on nasty shit. She is going to mess with the teeth of every Conservative politician, every right wing loony, every racist, animal abuser, fox hunter, bird shooter, badger culler and wealthy tax avoider in the land. And by doing so she will do the nation a fucking massive favour.

She starts off low-key. Under the guise of giving his magnificent new dentures a final, loving polish, The Nurse dips one particularly offensive Tory politician’s beautiful new false teeth into a cup of boiling water for a couple of seconds to soften them, then carefully bends them a wee fraction so they don’t quitefit. The Tory, having paid her a fortune, is certain the fault doesn’t lie with the lovely new lady dentist he has discovered, the one who gently presses her magnificent bosom so deliciously into his hot, sweaty cheek as she works expertly on his mouth. He has already tested the new teeth a few times and found them perfect, so he concludes his own silly jaw is at fault and puts up with the ever-increasing agony and inconvenience, much to The Nurse’s secret amusement. What a wanker. The elaborate facial tics he develops in an effort to keep his teeth safely lodged inside his mouth while talking perplex some of his fellow Conservatives and offend others. It doesn’t do his reputation much good, and another point gets scored against the Establishment. Jolly good. Revenge is indeed sweet.  

It is unusually pleasing to see what happens when she leaves the tiniest scrap of her own snot under each of the startlingly white implants she fits for another Tory goon. He is forced to return to her dental surgery time after time to remedy the resulting infection. The Nurse hums and hahs, fiddles around inside his gob, and manages to make him almost hit the ceiling as she mistakenly prods the infected areas a bit too hard with her silvery tools. He endures the treatment on a no-pain, no-gain basis that has served him well throughout a life of greed and selfishness, but it doesn’t reduce the actual pain one bit. This goes on for months until The Nurse gets bored and tells him there’s nothing for it – his teeth are shit and they’ve all got to come out.  

Once they’re safely under general anaesthetic, The Nurse is free to do more or less anything she likes to the teeth of Sussex’s many rich and selfish asshats. She makes invisible cuts in people’s gums parallel to their teeth, which bleed when they try to eat. When they visit her for help she pretends she can’t quite pin down what’s gone wrong. Oh dear. They return home in agony, pockets full of placebos masquerading as antibiotics. The drugs don’t work and back they come, with faces swollen to comedy balloon proportions.

One time The Nurse carefully inserts a tomato seed into the pocket of decay in the gum of a woman whose coffee shop chain hasn’t paid any tax for a decade. The seed rots, inflames the gum, and eventually begins to sprout. She pretends to inject people with novocaine but uses water instead, acting disappointed when she hits a nerve and they leap out of the chair in agony. One man jumps so high and so unexpectedly that her drill thrusts its way through the roof of his mouth then out of his left nostril. Thank goodness for liability insurance. 

The thing is, when you’re as beautiful as Elise, you can get away with fucking murder. If The Nurse had been a munter, she’d be back in jail by now on charges related to dental torture. But folk tend to assume that bad people always look ugly, and good people are always pretty. It’s madness really, when everyone knows serial killers often look completely harmless and completely harmless people often look like murdering loonies. But there you go – the vagaries of human nature have helped The Nurse out many times over the years, and she is grateful that people are so daft.

Part 45 – Becoming an influencer  

can i buy Lyrica online The Inspector faces danger 

The Inspector picks up his wine and takes a slug. Elise, sitting opposite him, finishes hers, smiles in that irresistible way she has, all pouty and French, then stands and takes his hand, pulling him out of his chair. Come along Anthony, she grins. Finish your wine, and get yourself smartened up. We’re off to London on the train – I have a surprise for you.

The Nurse is taking The Inspector on a surprise visit to the British Dental Museum on Wimpole Street in Marylebone.  But it isn’t an innocent treat. This is the first step in the next stage of her plan. He is madly in love with Elise, even though his love is tempered by a deep-seated fear that he has mostly buried. Now it’s time to gradually convert him to the dark side. Only when her arch-enemy has been polluted, corrupted, and turned into a murderer as foul as she is will The Nurse be able to relax enough to actually kill him. Until then she will always feel tense, always uncomfortably coiled tight, always waiting for disaster to strike. 

On the train, facing forwards with their hands linked on the small fold-down Formica table, The Nurse and The Inspector stare out of the window. As the capital draws close she starts to feel a bit nervous. She hasn’t been to London for a very long time, since she and Scary Mary murdered that fat solicitor cunt up in Finchley. Then she shakes herself. Come on, Elise. London is vast, the incident happened years ago, and you’re not going anywhere near fucking Finchley anyway. Calm the fuck down.  

Arriving at Wimpole Street, The Nurse feels her excitement mounting. She has always wanted to visit this place, the home of stunning dental equipment and curious dentistry tools dating back to the 1300s. She actually salivates over the thrilling medical models, the ancient teeth and dentures. Some would find it grisly, she adores every second of the experience. At first The Inspector is a bit reluctant, sliding sheepishly from one exhibit to another, pale faced and poorly-looking. Then something snaps in his brain and he gets it. Suddenly, he’s fascinated.

The Inspector doesn’t realise that the exhibits, plus Elise’s enthusiasm and his growing passion for her, are changing him. No longer horrified, no longer tempted to protect his mouth with the palm of a nervous hand until they get back onto the street, he’s beginning to enjoy himself.  The high speed dental air turbines, the ether inhalers, the eccentric clockwork drills and toothkeys, they’re all quite extraordinary. Elise sneaks a look at him, smiles briefly then takes his arm. Her plan is starting to work. She has opened a door in his mind. Just a few more subtle shoves and they’ll be able to walk through the door together, entwined, into a glowing future rich in madness, pain, and murder. If it doesn’t work as well as she hopes The Nurse will just have to kill him sooner than planned, and do it super-discreetly. She is getting there. The future is starting to look rather rosy.

By the time the couple is on board the train back to Brighton, they’re huddled close together, talking intently. She is informing The Inspector about some of the finer points of historical dentistry and he is listening, enthralled, his initial disgust and fear completely forgotten. When she tells a particularly vomit-inducing tale about a dentist who found a mouthful of creamy, wriggling maggots living in the cavity inside a patient’s rotten tooth, he merely grins. He has become immune to the horror.

As it turns out, it isn’t that hard to influence someone when they are perfectly happy to be influenced, and even easier when the influencer looks like an angel.

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